Joke Packet

From a recent packet submission:

A new report shows that a recent series of graphic anti-smoking ads featuring people who suffered strokes and had limbs amputated, helped more than 100,000 people quit smoking. It’s the most successful non-profit ad campaign since the ASPCA helped more than 100,000 people quit listening to Sarah McLachlan.

A man in the Philippines has endured 19 plastic surgeries so that he could look like Superman. The attending surgeons all agreed the procedures were way more fun to watch than Man of Steel. 

Celine Dion said this week that her new music will be edgier. So try to stay calm, everyone listening to the radio in the doctor’s waiting room. 

A massive molasses spill in Honolulu Harbor this week has killed thousands of fish. The incident is a painful reminder for those who remember the 1957 red molasses spill in Swedish Harbor. [picture of a Swedish fish] 

Construction is almost complete on a 55 story Ferris wheel in Las Vegas, which will be the tallest in the world. Developers said the wheel had to be big enough to give passengers time to think about what they’ve done.

A British man, whose 3.6 inch long tongue was recorded as the longest in the world, says his tongue has grown .2 inches since it was first measured in 2009. He then pointed to a pencil marking on the most disgusting doorframe known to man. 

A high ranking Vatican official said that celibacy of priests is not church dogma and should be open to discussion. Also, nuns don’t have to wear bras anymore.

McDonalds is test marketing a new “Blitz Box” meal that includes two Quarter Pounders, two orders of fries and 10 Chicken McNuggets. It’s like a Happy Meal for grownups but the toy is type-two diabetes. 

It was announced this week that JK Rowling will write the screenplay for a spin-off movie set in the Harry Potter universe. So get ready, Potter fans: Rowling’s about to cast her Beat-eatium Deadhorse-iamus spell.

Miley Cyrus’ latest music video “Wrecking Ball” was viewed more than 12 million times when it premiered Monday on Vevo, setting a new record for the site. And a new tagline. “Vevo: for when you forgot how to search for porn.”

It was revealed that Pope Francis has been spontaneously calling Catholics to comfort them, earning the nickname the “Cold Call Pope.” Mostly, he’s been calling them “good sports.” 

New research suggests that sweet, starch foods like sugar and white bread can increase the risk of cancer. Especially when you smoke them in front of the microwave.